Soho Times

MIDDLE EASTLANDS

2008-09-02T12:55:00.002+01:00

With the arrival of the Arabs the Man City squad is not the only thing getting a sheik up, we've also been informed of City getting a completely new kit, our inside agent obtained top secret images of the proposed kit.

THE DAY'S BIG TRANSFER STORIES

2008-09-02T12:33:00.003+01:00

On a day that transfer records were blown away you'd expect Sky Sports to be getting excited, but spot the odd one out of their self-proclaimed "Top Story".

GIVE ME A C....... GIVE ME A U.........GIVE ME AN N.............

2008-08-14T17:59:00.002+01:00

Non-League football fans really know how to taunt players, especially when one of those players is a goalkeeper who has just let the ball go through his legs.

BREAKING NEWS: RONALDO FAILS REAL MADRID MEDICAL

2008-08-04T04:15:00.002+01:00

The Soho Times have received reports that Cristiano Ronaldo has failed a medical at Real Madrid, none of the medical staff, nor Cristiano himself, were available for comment but we did manage to obtain the X-Rays showing why Ronaldo's tranfer deal has collapsed.

REACTION TO THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL

2008-05-22T20:23:00.011+01:00

Random Jokes

Rio Ferdinand in a television interview stated that "my Champions League medal is like a chocolate orange", when further quizzed by the reporter Rio replied "it's not Terry's, it's mine", thus prompting Andy "Stamford Bridge" Townsend to throw his glass of water over Steve "Get Back To BBC" Ryder in disgust.

Frank Lampard and Joe Cole were allegedly spotted out in Red Square last night, having clearly had one or two drinks. They were reportedly singing: "We're forever blowing Doubles."

John Terry is going to start making is own brand of vodka - and like him it's bottled in Russia.

Why can't you get a cup of tea at the Bridge? All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Old Trafford.

Caution: John Terry

Scholes Consoles John Terry

Joke Cole Chased By A Bee........No Joke

END OF SEASON AWARDS

2008-05-19T15:08:00.007+01:00

Welcome to The Ritz Hotel for the 1st Annual Soho Times End Of Season Awards (Sponsored by E-On).

Player of the Year

No question of the player of the year here, he has dazzled and dazed opponents all season so it is no surprise that Cristiano Ronaldo has won this award. The Soho Times Awards Ceremony is an important occasion, no surprises then that Ronaldo failed to turn up to collect his trophy.

Manager of the Year

Not many candidates to choose from here but Rafa Benitez has just pipped David Moyes to this award (just like in the league) for his outstanding performance in persuading Liverpool fans that he is a good manager. This season the Liverpool fans have tried to force out the "loud mouth" Yanks from the Anfield hierarchy but do you remember who started the public arguments?

Yes it was Sr. Rafa publicly moaning about a lack of transfer activity, then he blows Liverpool's title bid by December, gets knocked out the FA Cup by Barnsley and then fights with Everton for fourth place during the closing months of the season. Despite all this Rafa has managed to manipulate the following situation:

Number of Liverpool Fans Against the American Owners: 350,153,683
Number of Liverpool Fans Against Rafa: 18

Trabajo Bueno!

Worst Haircut Award

Here at the Soho Times is a very conservative bunch of people who feel that all footballers should have a hairstyle reminiscent of a Tory MP, imagine the shock when we uncovered this hairstyle as worn by Bakary Sagna. Should this young Frenchman ever decide to do a handstand in McDonald's you'd forgive the young employees there if they dipped him in a bucket of bleach and proceeded to clean up tomato sauce with him. On a side note of Sagna imagine if this fella had moved to Liverpool and not Arsenal his nickname would be interesting, Laaaaa Sagna would be quite apt.

Quote of the Season

"You probably think I'm Kenny Sansom!" - Matt Lucas on meeting Arsene Wenger

TV Moment of the Season

Phil Thompson when Riise scores an own goal in the 102nd (-ish) minute.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=0ycbUM53mFk

Chant of the Season

Fulham's David Healy Chant:

Away in a manger,
No crib for a bed,
The little Lord Jesus,
Laid down his sweet head,
The stars in the bright sky,
Looked down where,

HEALY, HEALY, HEALY, HEALY, HEALY, HEALY, HEALY...

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=QeTdS4lAww8

Now Some Random Stats:

Average number of faux-ethnic tattoos per footballer: 4.1
Number of camp sites visited by Freddy Eastwood: 16
Last match of importance that Cristiano Ronaldo appeared in: Not Enough Data
Measurement on Richter Scale when Frank Lampard fell over v Bolton: 8.2
Number of 17 year-old girls given a "roasting": 119
Cumulative minutes silences held at Anfield: 65
Goals conceded by Derby County that have not been Claude Davis' fault: 0

LOLCATS DO FOOTBALL

2008-05-16T18:38:00.008+01:00

MAN. UNITED'S NEW COMMERCIAL IDEA

2008-05-16T02:22:00.001+01:00

One can criticise Man Utd for a lot of things, diving, cheating, moaning, whining etc. However you cannot label Man Utd as a club that rests on its laurels, in terms of commercialisation they have been the trend setters, they even changed their club crest in order to appeal to the American market.

Now it is with great delight that I can unveil their latest commericial exploits, they are only planning to tap into the lucrative "Dating" market, see their new advert below, although rumours that Ashley Cole has been signed to endorse this service appear to be unfounded.

MOURINHO REACTS TO MAN CITY LINK

2008-05-16T02:21:00.001+01:00

With Sven expected to be kicked out of Man City at the end of the season, there have been lots of rumours circulating in the media as to who Dr. Thaksim has arranged to replace him. One of the names frequently being mentioned is Jose Mourinho, I have been at the Special One's old stomping ground, Stamford Bridge, to get a reaction to the Manchester City link, only to find this:

NO RACISM IN EASTERN EUROPE.......HONESTLY

2008-05-16T02:20:00.003+01:00

With the Champions League final being held in the civilised and cultured city of Moscow and numerous black players representing Chelsea and Manchester United, I would like to reassure these players that Eastern Europe is a tolerant place, regardless of your race, creed or gender.

Oh who am I kidding as this banner of an Eastern European club demonstrates:

THE UNWRITTEN LAWS OF FOOTBALL

2008-05-16T02:20:00.002+01:00

Before kick-off

— Any player being filmed leaving a team bus must ensure that he is wearing headphones and carrying a small Louis Vuitton wash bag.

— Players who once represented the same club must stop and chat animatedly to each other in the tunnel as they wait to come out, even if they never really spoke to each other when they played together.

— On the day of a cup final, players must walk on to the pitch in their club suit approximately 1½ hours before kick-off and touch the turf to make sure it is just like all the other grass they play on every week. At least one player must pick some and throw it in the air to gauge the wind direction even though it is May, very still, and, therefore, very unlikely to affect anything.

Scoring

— If a player mishits a good chance, he must look down and carefully examine the pitch, maybe even treading back in some turf, so that everyone knows he got a bad bounce. If it is a televised game, he should continually blow mucus out of his nose as the camera tracks him back to his own half.

— When a player makes a great assist only to see a teammate tap the ball in, he must stand well away from the celebrating players and wait for them to come over and individually congratulate him.

Corners and throw-ins

— All throw-ins must be taken at least ten yards farther up the pitch than where the ball went out. The referee is allowed to tell the player off, but only when he has exceeded ten yards.

— All corner takers must push the corner flag to one side, regardless of whether it gets in the way. They must also raise a hand before taking the kick, irrelevant of where they intend to send the ball.

Free kicks

— Two or more players should always dispute who will take a free kick, even though they have spent an entire week on the training ground working out who will take them.

— When a player has conceded a free kick, he must pick up the ball and run several yards before dropping it behind him without looking. When a free kick is awarded and the referee places the ball in the required spot, it is essential to pick it up and place it down again at least six inches further forward, ideally with a backspin motion.

Offside

— When a player is judged offside and still shoots but doesn’t score, he must pretend he knew it was offside all along and didn’t really try to score at all. On the other hand, if he does score, he must act “outraged” and “robbed”.

— Any striker who is more than five yards offside must still either wag a finger or launch a tirade of expletives at the flag-bearing official.

Substitutions and injuries

— A player leaving the pitch on a stretcher must always be applauded, while players with equally serious injuries who are helped off by the physio must be booed.

— When water bottles are thrown on to the pitch while a teammate is receiving treatment, players must always squirt some out on to the grass before taking a sip.

— Players warming up along the touchline must always put their hands behind their backs and kick their heels up to touch them, even though they never do this in training or at any other time.

Goalkeepers

— Before kick-off, goalkeepers should always hang from the crossbar to check it does not have any cracks in it.

— Keepers must use the special adhesive power of saliva by spitting into their gloves as much as possible during games. They should also kick the soles of their boots against the post at least three times in each half.

— Goalkeepers should sprint into the opposition penalty box for injury-time corners, even if they have never connected with a header in their life.

Managers

— Any manager facing lower-league opposition in a cup game must describe the team he is facing as “well organised”.

— Assistant managers must be equipped with a blank piece of paper on which they can pretend to show substitutes the opposition’s tactical formation. In addition, assistants should shout and gesticulate in exactly the same way as the manager, only two seconds later.

Officials

— The referee must only blow for full time when the ball is in mid-air after a long goal kick.

— The fourth official must always check a substitute’s studs before he comes on, even though none of the studs of the players on the pitch were checked. It should be noted that no substitute in the history of football has ever been caught wearing “inappropriate studs” and no substitute has ever been refused access to the field of play because of a “stud check”.

— Fourth officials should always be of a smiling disposition when trying to calm infuriated managers back into the dugout.

THE MOST REALISTIC FOOTBALL GAME GOING

2008-05-16T02:18:00.001+01:00

When you ask people to name a realistic football game then they'll probably reply Football Manager or Pro Evo, however the most realistic game that I have come across is the volley game on Play For Your Club

Whilst this game might not rank highly with the average football fan, the realism is something to marvel at:

ARSENAL GET OVER THEIR RECENT BLIP

2008-05-16T02:15:00.002+01:00

Arsenal appear to have put their recent problems behind them, after all what better way to forget about your striker braking his ankle, being out of the Champions League and out of contention for the league than with a big knees up in a jeep?

Please click the image below, I'd incorporate it into this page but it would drastically slow down page loads.

THE TORRES-GERRARD LOVE IN

2008-05-16T02:14:00.001+01:00

You could be forgiven for thinking that there is some sort of "relationship" between Mr Torres and Mr Gerrard, with the recent media stories really making your heart feel all warm and fuzzy, with headlines such as:

Torres: Gerrard Is Unbelievable - (Liverpool Echo)

Gerrard: It's Easy Playing With Torres - (BBC Sport)

There was a previous scenario in 2005 between Mr Gerrard and another Spaniard, a certain Mr Alonso which resulted in Stevie planting a big smacker on his lips:

Whilst I'm no fortune teller, forgive me for predicting future devlopments along the lines of:

THE JOYS OF ACCURATE JOURNALISM

2008-05-16T02:09:00.001+01:00

Hats off to David Harrison in the News of the World today, once again showing that all reporters do actually go to the match they are reporting on and don't fall asleep during the 90 minutes. In his post match ratings he gives Man of the Match to Andriy Voronin:

Whilst Mr Harrison was drooling over Voronin's "astute passes", Liverpool fans were voting for their own Man of the Match on the club's official website, with Andriy Voronin getting a whopping 25 votes out of 4676:

This works out to be 0.5346% of total votes and once again goes to show that Fleet Street always strive to feed their readers nothing but absolute rubbish.